Ahh-- I'm getting discouraged. The insurance company called and said they won't let me see the neuro-ophthalmologist until I see an ophthalmologist again. A different one. They want a second opinion. They don't believe me. I was supposed to schedule an appointment last week, but I sat there staring at the number wondering why they wanted waste my time and money so that they could believe that my eyesight is weird. I still see it. It's not so opaque anymore, but it's still there-- the fact that it's still there is what worries Dr. Preston. Sure, it's not super stark and obvious and it's not in my way as much except for some days where it gets bad (usually because I'm tired), but it's there.

I'll man up and set up the appointment sometime this week. I'm still thinking about this even though I know what the answer already is. I have two tests this week though, so I'd rather be thinking about something else.

I showed the neurologist the painful, itchy, pus-filled bumps that appear on the skin where my finger joins are sometime, and he said, "It's noives!" He smiled at me, and I was confused. "Haven't you heard that before? Noives! I had a patient come in before and say, 'Doc, my noives are bothering me!" I laughed nervously but I wasn't really sure how to react. He then straightened up and said, "However, I'm no dermatologist-- so you should probably get that looked at too."

Hmmm.

Something interesting! Today, Vinh asked me how many years do I have left in this house. I've always assumed that I'd purposefully go to a med school or grad school that I could commute to when I get in due to the costs. My dad wants me to get into a program that will repay my debt-- I've heard of one from Dr. Goode. If you do research for the government, every year you do research erases one year of med school debt. My dad insists on one that his friends did twenty years ago-- every year you work in a specific ER they assign you to, one year of med school debt is erased. I'm not sure if that one still exists. I have to ask about it.

My interview at Hoag is in two weeks. Yikes.

It made me think about how there really is a possibility that in two years, I won't be home anymore. I'll really go to whatever school takes me. I'm open to living in other places, and there's a chance that I won't have much of a choice in the first place anyway. I hope I can get in. Vinh doesn't have much faith in me, and then other times he has too much faith in me. It's confusing. I wanted to buy some new furniture for my room, but Vinh is right that if I'll be gone in two years anyway it might be a worthwhile investment in the end. I could just continue using the dinky old furniture. It won't be pretty, but it'll function.

I think I'll clean my room some more and then get ready for tomorrow!

So I was kind of going blind a few months ago and it's still a WIP as far as what the doctors are doing. Tomorrow I see a neurologist again. As a result, my grades suffered. I lucked out in many ways, though. My English professor let me type my essays with my eyes closed and turn in first drafts without proofreading them, I had already taken and had been tutored in Physics in high school so college physics was mostly things I already knew, and my research is biochemical in nature but the procedures are largely microbiology-related so I knew most of the theory and protocols involved in microbiology already.

Ochem was the only thing brand new to me, and as a result I could not keep up when I lost my vision even if I stuck around lecture to listen. The other thing was that honestly, my mind was not there. Like most people, I didn't want to bother others so I just hid how scared and sad I was for about a month. This summer, I attempted to teach myself the last half ochem numerous times, but I was unable to. The PhDs and other students (including organic chemist) at WSU could not help me because they did not feel confident enough to teach the material, or had blazingly ran through ochem years ago and could no longer remember it. So I sat there, reading, scratching my head, and thinking that while I understood the concepts well-enough I could not generate enough practice to incorporate it into my learning so that I may apply it without too much doubt. As those who have taken ochem know too, it's not an easy task to email a professor with a complicated ochem problem and except to be decipherable to them and them to be decipherable to you on the many possible ways to make compound A into compound B with the use of a list of reagants and some other specific parameters.

Eventually, I realized that I was wasting a lot of time trying to force ochem into my brain without any guidance and little overall comprehension. So I made the conscious decision to put it away and focus on microbiology, because while I was familiar with the material I still had two-hundred-sixty pages to read that I hadn't read yet. Took me a week and a half to get that all done and memorized, but I got the gist of it. Midterm went shakily, final was not horrible. Still do not know my grade for that class yet. Too scared to look.

So today, I took my ochem final, flipped through it for ten minutes, and tried to hold back my tears. I was unable to do that, and I was also unable to pass the class. The professor comforted me by saying that we do have grade forgiveness at this school, so even though my GPA will look crappy for one semester-- it'll be fine if I retake ochem and pass, since the original grade will vanish forever. That this is just one small bump on a long road in my life, and that in ten years no one will care. That if I ever needed any help, I could just ask him. I told him how I felt like I threw his kindness and confidence in my away, how ashamed I was of failing for the first time in my entire life, how I really tried but I had so much doubt and could not conceptualize the material well without guidance, and how scared I was weeks before the final. I had sent him an email long before school starting about how I was practically immobilized with fear when it came to thinking about the ochem final that I wanted to know if he could just fail me so that I may register to the last open ochem class before it closed up. Last week on Thursday, I was so distraught when he emailed me back about how I absolutely must take the final, that I laid in bed until my friends rescued me to eat lunch with them to de-stress.

So I cried, and cried, and cried for so many reasons to my professor even though I didn't want to. I later realized that part of the reason why I cried was that failing a class that I wasn't failing before I got sick felt like a manifestation of my sickness-- just another reminder that I'm not doing so great right now, and that even if I fight it, it's still getting in the way of my life. A horrible product of my physical condition that is getting in the way of my bright hopes and dreams. My PI sat me down and asked if I should be allowed to continue research due to dangers and safety reasons. I told her that I'll take breaks as soon as I feel bad, and that I don't want to let go of my project since I just inherited it 100%. She said that she doesn't want me to work as a TA this semester, and to not take any extra classes. That I should do only a little bit of research, then. I agreed, though in the back of my mind I was thinking about how much I wanted to continue being a TA so I can support myself financially, now that I am ceasing face-ups too.

LAC+USC is closing their CMV program. Usually they open up applications in September, but I called them this week and they said they are unsure whether they will continue the program or not. So I went back to CCE-- my interview in a month, and training is in October. I need to get re-certified for CPR. I'll probably start work, if I get in, around winter then and then continue that for a long time until I complete my 280 hours. While Dr. Goode said that the program is too "kiddy" for someone of my year level in University, I think it is one of the few choices left as far as hospitals with a specialized volunteer program that rotates its workers through the specializations. I am pretty sad about not getting into CMV, because I applied there thrice and they rejected me every single time due to office errors. Such as when I sent in my application with a note that I was not taking summer classes, and that I was finishing school in a week so my spring classes would not apply. They wrote me back saying I needed to attach my schedule anyway. I did so, with another large note written on my spring schedule saying that I am 100% free in the summer and that the schedule I was attaching ends in a few days. The application was sent back to me saying that my schedules did not work with their program. I called back and asked how could I make it more clear that I am totally free and do not have any classes so my application won't be rejected again based on a schedule that was now, at this point, over. The office lady said that applications closed in an hour, she had no idea, too bad, apply again later.

RAAAGE. So CCE at Hoag in Newport I go. I'll look for more programs, but those are the ones I hear about the most. I met a cool gal yesterday called Simona who also recommended me to CCE. Anyway, trying to chin up and stuff so I can read my papers for Cell. Tomorrow, Raymond is taking me for sushi and then we're going to class together. Maybe will text Sexy Bear to come too. Saaaad still.

I stopped checking LJ for over a month because all I get is daily spam messages from it. Sorry sorry! Things are pretty busy right now because I leave in about three and a half weeks, and start school in five and a half weeks. During these five and a half weeks I need to teach myself a bunch of organic chemistry and microbiology. I can do the microbiology. There's just so little time to do everything that needs to be done.

Tomorrow I register for classes, and I've settled into the thoughts that perhaps I should just retake ochem (first class ever retaken!) so that I can get a good grade instead of salvaging what happened. I'm really not sure. It's very scary to not know how I will be graded. My entire grade is riding on this final, but Dr. Salzameda discussed with me before I left that to pass the class I need a high B on the test-- the problem is that the high score for said tests were, in fact, high B's. That was before he decided that my grade will be determined by my final though-- that was before, when he was going to drop two tests and then take into consideration the rest of my work. I'm so intimidated and scared, and am not even sure if it's worth it. Perhaps it's better to spend my time studying for microbiology.

I've made a schedule that will allow me time on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday each week to volunteer at a hospital for a minimum of one four hour shift a day. On days when I don't have hospital work, I can then do research till late. I want to continue practicing martial arts along with zumba when I come home. I've fallen into a comfortable pattern when it comes to fitness, and I don't want to stop or else I'll become lazy. Martial arts is hard work but so beautiful and rewarding. I need to practice more-- I've started doing martial arts in lab when no one is watching and when I have enough space around. I spoke to Sunny today that I may leave our research lab after Fall because my workload will be too ridiculous. I know that if I talk to Dr. S about it she'll just encourage me to leave, but I feel that it's my responsibility to at least train someone to take my place before I go. One of the first things I have to do when I return to Southern California is to reapply to LAC+USC Hospital. I've done enough research at this point to get into medical school. I work two jobs, so I know my application will look nice and balanced. All that is left is to do my minimum of two-hundred hours of hospital work. That will take me a nice year to accomplish, and I apply for med school next late summer.

I take the MCAT next spring and summer.

I am considering finishing this batch and my current wait-list, then closing face-ups indefinitely. I need the money, but I need to spend more of my free time studying. I may not TA again this semester-- though I am tempted to, since it's only four hours a week and is easy plus fun money-- for the same reason.

If I don't finish the second part of ochem before spring semester, my spring semester will be completely empty except for one session of ochem. I'll have finished my upper division GE's within this upcoming semester and all my other requirements. Gotta figure that out.

Tomorrow I'll ship out a doll head. It started raining again last night, then rained today. I saw flashes of lightning but didn't hear any thunder! The weather says that it will rain tomorrow and have more storms. I'm going to paint dolls this weekend while studying. I've resigned myself to not really going anywhere for the rest of these weeks.

I need to decide about what to do about ochem so that I can email Dr. Salzameda like he asked. I need to set up a time to take my two missed microbio exams. There's a lot of uncertainty right now. I know I had the third highest lab score in microbio lab, but I have no idea how my lecture score will go down. A number of my quizzes were pathetic, and I only had one test taken. I did not complete the extra credit because of my eyes.

Circumstances at school is really hard to be sure about right now. There are only a few certain things.

In the meantime, I've had plenty of fun. I went to Canada, finally, and it was such a pleasure for so many reasons. It's a beautiful city, there was so much to see, the food was ridiculously good, and so was the company. I'm truly blessed when it comes to my life despite what hardships that everyone has to endure day by day. There is a lot to enjoy about life right now even though the things I listed above may sound bad. I just need to think more about these things, because there's no clear answer on what to do. I guess I can only do my best! For now I need to focus on studying, finishing face-ups, writing my poster presentation, and enjoying the country life a little longer. The abstract is due Friday-- I told my PI I'd email it to him by today, but I think I'll write it tomorrow with my boss' guidance and have him proofread it instead.

Lou and I are slowly planning our road trip back. It seems very pleasant thus far. : ) He arrives at night on August 5th, and I think I'll have him help me pack away my things and we can leave in the morning to our next destination. I hope he'll be allowed to get his fill of sleep before we go. He seems quite excited already, and I do miss him a lot even though I don't always have time to think about him that much when I'm on my own. When I'm alone, my mind is mostly clouded by my feelings of responsibility.

Anyway, good night for now, LJ. I know I'll see some spam bots in my email notification by tomorrow.

I got half of my package from Bimong, and painted him up right away. Will install eyelashes after the move, but he's pretty cool looking already! Just wanted to share some quick snaps of him before I hit the road.



The Unoa hands are nicely in-scale with the Narin hands, and with how these optional and the default hands are sculpted they fit pleasantly with each other.



Tim's face is so thin that Bart looks fat next to it.



Very pleasant posability for a single-jointed body too.

If Tim looks like he raided Kon's and Bart's wardrobe for clothes, it's because he did. I made a big order for a bunch of suits and nice jackets for him, but it probably won't arrive till late August. Till now, he looks like a hipster. The TTYA sweater looked great on him-- but everyone and their mom have their dolls in that same sweater right now. Bart is also hogging the light colored jeans, and the rest of the jeans make Tim look like he's wearing a dark blue body suit with that sweater. I'm nto sure about the tan inside shirt. I might put him in Kon's grey v-neck instead, but I'll have to do that later after I finish packing more. Ty and I are going to spend most of tonight packing.

Eyesight is almost completely back to normal now though I still see double when things are really contrast-y. Opthamalogist says my eyes are healthy so there might be something wrong with my brain still AHHHHHHHHHHH she says that maybe an MRI will be good but we'll wait to hear from the neurologist. Since my eyesight is mostly back I jumped on the opportunity immediately to paint dolls. PRIORITIES. I STILL DON'T HAVE THEM. Should have studied for Physics but realized that these dolls really need to get out of here before I go to WSU.



Jacks' (from DoD and she has a DoA name too but I only remembver "Jacks" because it's easier) Tim, not mine. She asked for "moe moe kyun" Tim. I tend to describe my BJD fanart Bart as moe moe kyun Bart so I knew what she meant. I did him in a similar style to my Bart and made him cute, so that they're both moe moe kyun. And she did explicitly ask for cute. I didn't overblush him like I do with Bart though, because it seems wrong to make Tim really tanned when he's Tim and he hangs out at night and studies in the morning.



He's borrowing Bart's body. I took the chance to snap this picture because it'll probably be the only time this BJD DC fanart dolls ever have a crossover, hahaha.

( Eight more pictures, seven are of face-ups. Four were from today, three are from weeks ago. )

And that's all from me for now.